You Can’t Make this Stuff Up: Halloween Edition!

I shouldn’t be allowed to give out candy at Halloween – it’s such a target-rich environment for a smart aleck. It seems to me that every year the holiday gets stranger.

I think the most popular costume this year was drunk parent.

One Dad reprimanded me for giving out small candy that could be a choking hazard. I responded, “unlike you and your six-month-old, most trick-or-treaters have teeth.”

I said “nice costume” to a teenager who was covered in tattoos, piercings, and way too much makeup. She said “I’m so sure, I’m the mom. I’m not wearing a costume.”  I told her we were just going to have to disagree on that one.

A thirty-something guy showed up about 10:00 with two buckets. I asked, “where’s your costume and kids.”  He said it was past their bedtime, but people give out a lot more candy late at night and he didn’t want them to miss out. On second thought, he was dressed up. As a moron.

When I was a kid, anyone over the age of 15 wearing a mask, carrying a pillowcase, and asking for your stuff was called a robber.

I hope that next year a couple kids dress up like janitors and clean up all the neighborhood trash that everyone drops.  Or maybe sprinkler repairmen.

I saw a clever homeless guy holding a cardboard sign that said, “Will work for candy.”

One family dressed up their dog as a cat.  That’s not cool.

If George W. Bush wants to look 20 years older he should buy the wrinkly old mask of himself.

If Mick Jagger wants to look 20 years younger he should buy the wrinkly old mask of himself.

And my personal favorite: I asked one little kid who was dressed as Elvis if he knew who he was.  He said, “yeah, some old king from a horror movie.”  Classic.